Somewhere Only We Know
by Fang lover23
Summary: "And if you have a minute why don't we go, talk about it somewhere only we know? This could be the end of everything." James has a chat with an old, lost friend in the special place they found together.


**Okay, so this is the most depressing thing I've ever written. Get ready for some tears. –shot-**

**Glee gave me the idea. Darren Criss...god, I kind of (not really) want to kill him for singing this song on the show.**

**I'm sorry in advance.**

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><p>The clouds above me are gloomy, dark, almost like a painting. It was a beautiful day, but as the weather turned, I knew it was the perfect time to head outside to find you. I donned my heavier spring coat- it <em>was<em> a little chilly outside. It's your favorite of mine. You picked it out for me, after all. I'll never forget that.

I make my way down our childhood road, the familiar path appearing before me, as if it's etched into the asphalt itself. It's a path only two people know about- you and I.

There it finally is- the grassy area I've come to love so much in my lifetime. It almost feels like the first time I walked there all over again. It's hidden from most of the town, but not to us. I dream about it often, and you're always there, too, with me.

As I take another step, I search for you. I know where our spot is from here. I can't even see you yet, you're so far away; but I know you're there.

I told you we'd meet again.

We're finally in that place, that place we found when we were little…eight, I think it was. We promised we'd be friends forever, and that was our spot.

We haven't talked in a while, weeks. It hurts to know that we live so close, yet never seem to have time to see one another. But I know that we're constantly on each other's minds. There's not one minute of the day when I don't think about you.

I still hope you feel the same way too.

I make my way over to you and plant myself under our tree. _Our_ tree. I turn to the side and trace my fingers over our initials with a 'BFFs' underneath. It's faded in the ten years since we carved it there, new bark repairing itself after so long. Even though I can hardly see it anymore, it's one of the most beautiful things in the world.

Well, except you of course.

As I take a look around the grounds, it's empty except for us: just the way we like it. No one knows _I'm_ here, but I can't say the same for you. You have to be careful; being Mr. Popular, everyone's always got a good idea of where you are- you almost never have a moment to yourself.

Except now.

I'm suddenly nervous. The life we have now doesn't seem real. We've grown up here, but it doesn't feel like it anymore. Every time I come here, I'm in an alien land, though I know it like the back of my hand at the same time.

The earth is peaceful here. I run my hands across the grass below me, and it calms me; I really feel at one with…everything. It's simple times like these ones, few and far between, that I treasure most.

But now we really need to talk.

I lay down next to you, though the ground is still quite wet from the morning rain. We've had this talk about a thousand times before, but you always refuse to answer.

I don't have forever, after all.

We can't live our lives like this. So close, yet so far. I've been waiting for you for so long; where's the something I can rely on? Why won't you let me in? It's really taking a lot out of me. This is why I came here today. Is it too much to ask to just take a minute to talk about it?

There's only one thing I have going through my mind. One question. One word.

"Why?" I ask you.

Once again, there's no response from you. I look right at you, but you don't meet my eyes. You seem to have lost your ability to speak. I face the sky again, holding back tears that are on the verge of spilling over; you always were so damn stubborn.

Fine, if you won't talk, I'll talk for you. "All this crap you put us through, all I want to know is why." The magic of our place doesn't help me at all, and you're quiet. I pray for _some_ sort of answer, but I think I only know one way that I'll actually get one from you. "What the hell were you thinking? You're so smart, yet you let yourself get dragged down by all the stupid decisions you made."

As in previous talks, I can feel your shame. You don't have to say anything this time. "Listen, I'm not mad at you. Just disappointed. If you'd actually talk about _why_ you did it, maybe I'd understand a little more." I hang my head briefly as a thought runs through my mind. "I wish I could know what you went through. I want to feel what you felt when you were doing all those things," I whisper. "Then I could _really_ understand."

It's almost overwhelming, and now I can't stop the tears from falling. I hate what we've become, what you became. I still love you, don't get me wrong, but I thought coming back to our place one last time might settle some things. I just don't know what to _do_ anymore.

I have to walk around for a minute, clear my head, so I get up reluctantly and tread to a spot I found on my own. It's hidden in a small forest, and I come upon a fallen tree. There are multitudes of those in here, but I know it's mine. Every time I see it, it reminds me of you; it almost has a mind of its own, and it's beautiful but fallen from grace- just like you.

I rest my head in my hands sadly as several sobs burst forth. I can't take it anymore. Will we ever be back to normal? Why can everyone else move on from what you did, but I'm still stuck where I am?

I take a few more deep breaths and retreat from my private heaven. Don't worry, my true heaven is in your arms, but this is a place where I can get away from the rest of the world, even you, if I'm feeling down enough.

I sit back down next to you once more. You haven't moved, as I expected. I don't even try to grab your hand because now I'm so fed up with keeping everything I'm feeling about your past in. "You really hurt us, you know," I begin. "What happened to the spunky sixteen-year-old I fell in love with three years ago?"

"I don't want him to go. I never wanted him to leave; but he did. Can we possibly get him back? I just want you back." Now the tears are flowing freely down my red cheeks.

"Why did you have to go and mess yourself up? We could get over the anorexia. That was a semi-simple fix, and you got through that relatively easy. You didn't eat, and none of us questioned it because you kept it so well hidden. Now I hate myself for overlooking that because that's where all your real problems began."

"After you came out of the rehab program, the drinking and drugs started. That's even worse! How could you do that to us? You'd come home wasted and high, and none of us knew how to handle you. You always came onto me in these stupors. I lived at your house our senior year because my parents kicked me out, and there was only lust in your heart when you came to me those nights. I wanted you, believe me, but you were much too vulnerable and you _know_ I can't take advantage of someone like that."

"And lastly…" I stopped, barely able to bring the words to my mouth. "I can't believe that you thought so lowly of yourself that you had to mutilate yourself like that. Was your life really _that_ bad? You know you could've talked to me about anything, and I mean _anything_. We're all here for you. Do you know what kind of situation that put me in? I _loved _you, and I had to watch you fall apart! How is that in any way okay?"

"That first time I saw you lying on the bathroom floor, covered in your own blood, I felt like I was dying with you. We just took you to the hospital and tried to put you through an out-patient program. We all saw the ruse you put up; you fooled us all. Especially me."

"I feel even more awful because I didn't think anything was wrong. I'm so stupid- and don't tell me I'm not. We both know it's true on some level: I'm conceited and superficial, and for some reason that escapes me, I only looked on the surface and saw that you were fine. You're a damn good actor, I'll give you that."

"I saw the scars, you know. I _always_ saw them, no matter how you tried to hide them. I'm such an _idiot_ for not doing anything. I didn't even talk to you about them because I thought it was just a phase. It wasn't."

"Do you even realize what that did to Carlos? Always the happy-go-lucky one, it sent him into a spiraling depression. Dude, we had to put him away!"

"And Logan- he was the doctor, and he was the one to want to treat your wounds. I told him about what I saw, but he just told me to give you a little bit of space; he told me not to smother you until you really needed it. He was going to be a doctor, and that only intensified when he saw you covered in blood. He's becoming a therapist _and_ a doctor so that he can help other people going through the same thing you did. But he's still changed; he's the one who visits Carlos the most- he's the only one that Carlos regularly recognizes."

"We're so broken. Nothing will ever be the same about us. I think I'm the one who changed the most. I'm dead inside, bleeding emotions from a no longer beating heart. I've sort of let myself go: as much as I know you'd hate it, I've lost a _ton_ of weight. I'm not trying, I promise! It's just all that you went through put so much stress on me that all I could focus on was you- not even food, or sleeping. I'm an insomniac now. I constantly dream about you, the newer you and the older you, when I get an hour of sleep at a time. Logan worries (how couldn't he?), but because of our separate lives, we've all really drifted apart, especially with Carlos in a goddamn mental hospital!"

"So can you finally give me an answer? Why? Why did you have to do it? Why did you leave us suffering? You could've been better, healthier, and you would've had your three best friends by your side the _entire_ time. What the hell were you thinking, Kendall?" Another round of tears washed over my pale face as I stare down at your grave marker. The beautiful marble has nothing on you, tells nothing of who you were, who I thought you were. You really were the best friend any guy could have, but you were an even better lover.

"I could forgive you for everything if you would have lived," I say. "If you had just stayed- if not for me then for your mom or Katie or Logan or Carlos- we'd be happy somewhere- just the two of us. Nothing would be wrong about our lives except the fact that we have the bad memories. Those could be easily left behind, but never forgotten."

"I'll never forget you, Kendall. I love you, and I always will."

I lied down again, cradling my head on the marble stone carved with your name and dates of birth and death. It's been a year since the latter, and I thought it would be as good a time as ever to be with you again. Snow began to fall then, light as a feather on my face, and even for a formerly-mild April day, you would have thought it was a wonderful sight.

You always _did_ love the snow, after all, Mr. Hockey star.

I pull an envelope out of my coat pocket, and I set it under my side so that it wouldn't fly away in the wind, but would be seen by anyone who came to see you. They'd know my story once they read the letter. Yes, I know I'm being extremely selfish, but you were too, and if it means I get to see you again, then so be it.

I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen, and as my crimson life force flowed between my fingers, I let out a psychotic laugh and waited for the darkness to consume me. I closed my eyes and then knew nothing.

I'm sorry.

_Oh this could be the end of everything_

_So why don't we go, somewhere only we know_

_Somewhere only we know_

_Somewhere only we know._

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><p><strong>Don't kill me…? I had such a hard time writing this because I hate hurting my favorite like this. And it doesn't help that I'm half-delusional because it's almost 2 in the morning and I just got home from my senior prom. I'm dead as I type this. I'm not sure if I'll actually wake up in time to go to school on Monday. Xd<strong>

**And I _had_ to get this story finished because I listened to the song no less than 100 times (no exaggeration) in the last 48 hours and I was NOT going to leave it until I finished it. -shot again-**

**Anyway, enough of my rant. Review, please?**


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